Resistance and a New Commitment to Self
A few weeks ago, I wrote about free-writing, and how helpful I was finding it – helpful in sorting out my thoughts, writing blogs, class planning, sifting through problems, and so forth. How such a “purposeless” task, was actually helping my productivity.
Well, I stopped writing…for a while.
Why?
I am figuring it out.
Why, when I know it’s helpful, have I stopped doing it regularly? Why do I feel this resistance inside me?
Here’s what I’ve come up with:
- I got out of the routine I’d started to establish when I went to a conference in San Diego.
- I was busy with other things and didn’t feel like I had time.
- I was avoiding thinking about some things, and writing my stream of consciousness seemed “risky.”
Habits are notoriously difficult to break. Creating new habits – which often involves breaking old ones – seems to be just as hard.
It’s often at the point when we have experienced something different (in this case, the usefulness of the free-writing) that something “comes up” that we can rationalize as a reason why we can’t do it right now (whatever that new behavior is).
This sometimes happens in learning the Alexander Technique – perhaps you discover a way of releasing habitual tension when you are, for instance, typing on your computer keyboard. It won’t FEEL, however, like you are “working” anymore – it will feel a lot easier. And then you get to rationalize, with thoughts like, “I don’t have time to be aware of myself when I’m working,” or “I can’t work properly if I’m not concentrating hard (and tensing up),” and even “I don’t feel like me when I let go of that tension, so I won’t be able to work.”
Alexander Technique is transformational – usually gradually, at a pace which is manageable – but sometimes the changes can feel like your whole identity is different. “Who am I if I don’t tense up while I work?”
I am currently going through some difficult times with my parents in the UK, who are aging, ailing and fading in different and challenging ways. I’ve been avoiding writing recently in part because the habit isn’t truly established yet, and I’ve been distracted and busy, but mainly because I know that when I write my parents’ situation is top of mind, and I don’t want to think about it!
…which is ridiculous, because I am thinking about it virtually all the time!
I am, however, reluctantly bringing myself back to the writing. There’s no joy at the prospect, as there was a few weeks ago. Each time I do, though, it’s helpful. Just the act of letting all my thoughts and worries spill onto paper is therapeutic. The writing is an act of self-care.
Today I wrote:
I am sad.
I am worried.
I want someone to tell me what to do.
Of course, I mean I want someone else – like a parent – to tell me what to do. That won’t be possible. There is, however, someone who will tell me what to do. And that person is me!
I have Andy (my husband) and friends, not to mention professionals like doctors and care-givers, who give me tremendous support and advice. It is up to me to act, though.
I am tired. Stress is tiring. Self-care is more important at the moment than ever, for me to be there for mum and dad in the UK, not to mention for my family at home and for my business. If I want to have the energy for everything, not to mention clarity in my decision making, I must prioritize my own well-being, however difficult that feels.
In other words, I must practice what I preach.
Free-writing is now an important part of my own self-care, along with other daily practices like Constructive Rest and a walk or run outside. Looking after myself, both in the moment, and with specific self-care practices like these, is essential for me to bring my best self to the world.
I am committing myself to these practices.
And I am putting this “out there” to help me with my commitment to myself.
In my Facebook group, each week I ask, “What are you doing for YOU?”
This is my answer. What is yours?
Image © gregorylee / 123RF Stock Photo
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I think I resist because I’m scared – of changing, of what’s coming… and in truth, when I stop myself because I’m afraid something is going to happen, it’s already happened and the stopping is my attempt at not acknowledging what I know…
Oh yes – I’m scared! You hit the nail on the head. I absolutely don’t want to be dealing with this situation, AND also want to support my parents and make sure they are safe, cared for, and respected as individuals. Thanks for your comment, Laura.
Resistance to ease is something I am very familiar with as well. If we let go,and permit ourselves to do the very thing that may be in our best interest, then we are committing to that plan of action. I often see that as replacing something else, something that indeed may be a wiser, but untested choice. Getting into action, whether the course changes down the road, is the only way my self-care progresses. If I don’t move forward, nothing else does as well.
Yes – I am heading into unchartered waters for me. Self-care is a must, AND also involves accepting the situation and myself. Thanks, Mary Jo.
Such an open and thought provoking post. It must be really hard being so far away from your parents. I hope it helped (a bit) to get your thoughts out to the group. I absolutely agree on the therapeutic effect of writing. If I get “writers block” I sometimes throw in “how am I feeling” which can tease out something I was blocking. I also use a structured thinking technique called GoMAD, once I’ve used that on an issue I know there’s no more that thinking can help. If the thought still keeps coming up I try to be mindful and accept it.
Thank you, Kevin. Getting my thoughts out – and some of them in public in this blog, for instance – is always helpful, but not easy. It involves really looking at them – if you know what I mean! The GoMAD technique sounds intriguing! And I was also worried that this post was a bit more rambling than my usual ones, but it seems to have struck a chord.
Commented earlier on your fb-page, but want to elaborate my comment a bit. I really recognize this resistance inside myself and I’ve often wondered why I have a resistance towards things that do me good. I’ve always understood it as some sort of self-sabotaging, a rather depressive way of looking at it. Your text gave me a complete new angle on this – if it’s interpreted as resistance towards establishing new, better habits, there is so much more one can do about it! It’s a constructive, dynamic way of seeing, where you look upon yourself as an active subject, able to choose what’s good for you, to allow it. Thanks for sharing this, Imogen! ❤️
Oh, that’s so interesting, Borit. I think my resistance – to the writing in this case – really came out of not wanting to truly look at the situation I’m facing, BUT if the free-wiring habit had already been truly established it would have been a no-brainer to do it – like brushing my teeth. I’ve been practicing Constructive Rest so long now, it’s an integral part of my day, and it is truly exceptional when I miss. Your comment has caused me to think that it would be ideal to establish good self-care habits when we’re not under a lot of stress, so that we don’t have to decide to do them (or are less likely to resist them) when we need them most. Thank you.
Oh yes, you’re right! That’s truly caring for your soul, as well as your body, health care in the widestand deepest sense. I must add that this is such a beautiful thing with social media and internet, to be able to discover and connect with people and have lovely, encouraging and thought-provoking conversations! Just love it when I get a completely new perspective like this, gives me so much to keep on working with.
I agree. We only tend to hear and talk about the negatives of social medial (which exist, for sure), but there is so much I have found rewarding about the experience, including conversations such as these. Thanks again.
Just reading this I realized the reason I am writing so much less on Gratitude day is not because I am not grateful,and can express it, it is the difficulty in admitting there is some sort of ease in my body! A habit of assuming as normal a state of dis-ease! There is no doubt in my mind that you have to stop old habits before new habits can emerge. FM said as much in a number of different ways. “Stop doing the wrong thing and the right thing will do itself” is one.
And I’m sure brute force will power will get us nowhere. But with tools like constructive rest and writing, we’re on our way. Thank you Imogen for sharing this!
You are most welcome, Al. And that’s a great insight about the idea of noticing ease in your body!